Away

So I’ve been away for a while. I’ve found myself in a bit of limbo when it comes to a spiritual path. I’ve been identifying with Omnism mostly, but I’m still not 100% on a definitive path. And I really hate that.

I spent several years away from KO after my divorce and during the diagnosis and first few years of my illness. In that time, my line up and relationships with different Netjeru changed. And I guess that’s normal. I was 24 when I came to KO, I’m not the same as I was 20 years ago. I have found that the community at the Temple I belong to has changed in the 10 years I’ve been gone – again to be expected. The turning point for me stepping back from KO came after I got my Shemsu name tattooed on my wrist. Which really pissed me off to be honest. I thought long and hard about it and got it for my 33rd birthday. And then – nothing. The connection was severed almost immediately. It felt like a betrayal from Nether. I tried to take a positive view of it and find the lesson, but there was nothing there but emptiness.

It took me so long to get ANYTHING and I jumped at the synchronicity of it all when I reconnected with my fellow Temple members and leadership team. Things started off strongly, but again, things started to taper off after a few months. It’s frustrating and also very disappointing. I almost feel like no God/dess/Netjeru wants me. Like I’m destined to be pathless and and outcast. No path – KO, Asatru, Judaism, Buddhism – wants me to be a follower.

Fuck this is depressing.